Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

🥴

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”