Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Canadian owl: Eh?

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples