Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I miss this era type of pranks😭

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.