Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Seems legit

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.