i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
my one true gender
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.