i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
![]()
You Might Also Like
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time