i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.