i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
