I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.