I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire