I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive