I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
You Might Also Like
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’