I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.