Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Google reviews are always so mixed..

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

50 shades of grey = my Liver

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

I like donuts.

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