Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Anime is real

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful