Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

I know this is a show off post but feck it I had to share.
When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself.
White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased four of these garden chairs!!