Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

ㅤ

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?