Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

ㅤ

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no