I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.