I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
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By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Care for your back
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
LMAO.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Challenge accepted.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!