I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?