“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?