I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Banana is the quietest snack
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Same post same
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…