Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome