I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Fries, not lies.
I mean…but I did
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.