I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.