I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner