I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…