I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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The photographer’s assistant
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
is this a threat
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Finally, a door that understands me
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you