Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Bruh

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade