Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

accurate

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

We’ve all been there

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Uh oh 👀

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

why isn’t thunder called soundning