I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
hi why am I like this
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate