I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Think I pulled my liver
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here