I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
