ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Has a conversation in my head
– Cackles with mirth
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it