I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

You Might Also Like


God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]


God: you weren’t supposed to see that.


[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]


finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet


[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*


Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.


NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant


News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*


[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen