I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My wedding will be open casket.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me after drinking all the wine:
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.