@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

@dave_cactus

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@MomOnFire

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

@Brampersandon_

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@PaperWash

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen