I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen