Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.