I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
channeling her this year
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly