Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

#Caturday

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

any last words?