Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.