Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

when dads have a rap battle

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*