Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

I just stopped by to water my horse.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real