‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
If snakes were wide
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Can Happiness buy money?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!