Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.