I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
You Might Also Like
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m having an out of money experience.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.