Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Gemma Correll

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I was bored.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.