I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no