Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Gemma Correll

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye