I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Vodka burrito was a success
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Sheep
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.