I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
You Might Also Like
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
ok this is my dumbest yet
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.