Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.