I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
kitchen magnet
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.