I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Pizza is an emotion right?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.