I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.