I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
You Might Also Like
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏