I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next