Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

Sooo many times…..

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said