Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

My birthstone is pecan pie.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!