My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I’m starting to think he borrows it while I’m asleep
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.