I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

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My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I’m starting to think he borrows it while I’m asleep


Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.


I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.


ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again


Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?


If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”


“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”


At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.


Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*


CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.