Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early