I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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(yawn)
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
found this cool rock hiking today
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive