I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
You Might Also Like
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.