I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything