A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?
[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]
Your survival instincts take over
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia