@DanMentos

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

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@AGreaterMonster

The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.

@QwertyJones3

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

@daddydoubts

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@six_2_and_even

When someone says something stupid my rump wiggles like a water buffalo getting shot by a tranquilizer dart and I walk away a few paces before collapsing on a termite hill

@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@myles_morrison

It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

@SJSchauer

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.