I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

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The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.


I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.


Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.



Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.


When someone says something stupid my rump wiggles like a water buffalo getting shot by a tranquilizer dart and I walk away a few paces before collapsing on a termite hill


My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.


BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*


It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.


Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.