@DanMentos

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

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@theshamingofjay

A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

@HallpassCanada

Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

@DanielRCarrillo

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

@NicestHippo

You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over

@ranndrew

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

@QwertyJones3

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia