I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I found your tweet-up…
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
ACED my prostate exam!
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it