I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
on da cob, we all corn
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!