I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.