Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.