I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body