I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?