Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

😂😂

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

“That’s what” – She

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.