I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.