I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
You Might Also Like
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
New skill unlocked
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
These aliens are taking forever.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!