I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.