I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Make new friends? bro out of what?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
So, can we agree on 4 or
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.