Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Welcome

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”